Those rivals of mine are really getting on my nerves

Still working on the roses. As I was drawing them earlier in the evening as the sun was setting and the light was growing dim in the kitchen, I realized that they were mocking me. They seemed to say, "Do you really think that you can copy us, you pathetic wannabe artist? Do you think that you're that good? It's to difficult for you to draw us." 

I was pretending, of course. But that was what they seemed to be saying. And I felt rather discouraged by the roses' discourteous remark, and I wanted less and less to finish my drawing. And I'm afraid that I won't, but I'll try. 

I feel strangely depressed when I draw. I'm totally absorbed in the drawing; I sort of feel trapped, sort of claustrophobic, and that's most likely the reason I dislike it. It's like I'm stuck in the paper. And if it gets too smudgy I feel even more stuck. It's odd that I'm good at something that frustrates me so much. I guess I like it a little, but I've noticed that I don't draw as much as I used to. Imagine what the roses would look like if I practiced more! And if you think I'm bad at drawing, well, that's your problem. Too bad. I know I'm good at it for my age. My mom even said so, so ha! 

Mom has enrolled Ethan and I in art lessons. She says that I have the talent, but no technique. That's why my rival always beats me... her dad passes all of his knowledge on to her. Mom said that I have more talent, much, much more talent than she does. She said that if I learn the technique I can finally be better. 

I draw in black and white all the time. Never in color. But I need to lear color scheme, and especially balance. 

I didn't get a place a in the fair contest for the water lilies picture or the picture of a baby named Hannah. Of course, my rival and her siblings all got first place. One of my enemy's brothers did a pastel piece of glass bottles, one that looked exactly like a piece his sister did in water color. They aren't original with their art--as I recall, her older and younger brother have both entered several almost identical works featuring irises. They most always get first place. Ugh!! Urg... 

I am gonna be so good... no one will beat me! I will not falter! I shall not!