so excited

I was in Utah for all of last week and I had the best time ever! I saw my cousins Nora, Belle, Audrey, Cyrus, Logan, and Gabriella. I slept at Nora's house with the rest of the girls and Logan and Ethan stayed at Grandma's.

Ethan and Logan got boomerangs, which were promptly thrown either onto the roof or in a tree. They tried to get Ethan's out of the tree using Audrey's Barbie doll. It also got stuck in the tree.

I played in the canal with Gabi, Leigha, Audrey, Nora, and Belle. It was nice and refreshing because the weather was so hot and humid. We tried to sit in a shallow plastic box and float down the canal, but the water wasn't deep and the box overflowed in a matter of seconds.

I also saw Audrey's cat Julius for the first time in a few years. I remembered him as being a frail, skinny young cat, but now he's an enormous, healthy cat. He is seriously so big I could use him as a comfortable pillow. His meow sounds funny.

I also saw Belle's dog Cookie, who is still as small and smelly as I can remember.

We went to a zoo and saw peeing bobcats, loud peacocks, and wolves. We got snow cones and swung on the park swings. I had fun talking to Aunt Melanie and fooling Leigha with a ridiculous story about the Swinging Olympics in Canada when I was five, in which I won thirteen gold medals and outswung Chuck Norris.

I also saw one of the bunnies at Grandma's house! They didn't believe me because I said it was orange and they said there wasn't an orange one. Then how come I saw an orange one?

And we painted big planks of wood and I did a painting of faerie silhouettes at nighttime. It turned out lovely and everyone liked it! We're going back on Thursday because Mom is visiting in her boyfriend in Provo. Barrett gets to meet my cousins and see my grandma's house! I'm so excited!

shower time

I can't remember what was going on yesterday (that , but the day before that, I finally got a response to my message:

Me: so, he still hasn't unblocked me...and i've been crying about it at night...my mom doesn't really have any advice. i still still see pictures and references of him here on facebook...but he is nowhere to be found. have you already asked him why he blocked me and he didn't say anything of said "don't tell emma why" or something...? i've just been really depressed about it lately and i need help. i'm going back into PSR services 'cause of this, and i requested it. ugggh. please help :(

Shelby: Emma, you need to stop making yourself sick over him... I'm sorry... this is what he said. " ...i um...shes really sorta...clingy? i think is what im going for, its kinda weird and annoying...so ya...im a douchebag" I know you hate to hear it but I want you to know the truth.


I took a long shower the next day. Mom had said, "Be quick", but I took an extra-long time and shaved. I was standing there looking at the ceiling for awhile. I was thinking, "Maybe it's for my own good. He thinks I'm annoying...so what? I can be annoying by myself."
But I'll find a guy someday...a guy that wants to get married in the temple and loves me for me!

Er...maybe.

crying in trees

Last night around midnight, I went outside. Mom was talking on the phone, and I knew she would hear the door open, but I didn't think she'd bother to follow me. In fact, this morning she told me that she heard the door open and said to her new boyfriend on the phone, "Well, whoever it was, they're bound to come back inside, so I'm not worried about it."
And so I went outside without anyone stopping me.


I was hugging my downy-feather pillow to my chest and burying my mouth in it. I walked to the left, over to the old lady next door's house, and I climbed her tree. I brushed myself off in case of any ants and sat there for around fifteen minutes, crying. I don't want to say why I was crying, but I was.
I half hoped for Mom to come outside and comfort me, but she didn't. It was better that I was alone, anyway, because I've been crying over the same thing for months now.
I just don't like my life. It's rotten. Most people who read this, I presume, will think, "Oh, her life is fine. She shouldn't whine about it." Well, go ahead and be shallow. I couldn't care less. You don't know what it's like, you haven't experienced it. You think your life is harder than mine. Most people think that their life is the hardest. They think, "No one else knows how I feel", when probably a million other people have gone through the same thing. I guess the same is true for me. But I can't handle it. I go and cry in friggin' trees, dude. I'm not emotionally secure.
I ran out of fluoxetine a few days ago and Mom says it's an antidepressant, so that's why I'm "moody". No, I've felt like this for several months now, and I have no one to vent to. (Unless you count my cat. Lame.)
I need help. At the little meeting today I requested a PSR worker. I used to really hate them, but now I want one. I think they really help. I'm just worried, because my two favorite ones, Amy and Stacy, left after a year.

I miss them. :(

useless

If reality were a dream, and my dreams were reality, my life would be so much better.

i found it!

Not two minutes after writing that last blog, I found my library card.

WOO!

Poor thing. It's been through so much. Like the laundry!